10 years on

I'm feeling particularly bitter, resentful and generally self-pitying today.

10 years have passed since I attempted to make armchair investments in property in the North East.
This particularly ill-conceived notion has caused me irreparable mental scarring, emotional trauma, physical exhaustion and certainly has done nothing to improve my financial situation (my first profit - a princely £6,002 - was made last year).

During this period I have watched my peers prosper and propagate. They have, without doubt, had their own ups and downs but this is not about them, it's about me. They have had the support of their partners and I the invaluable emotional support from my mother; and that is part of what I'm resentful for because she shouldn't have had to deal with my bullshit.

I personally think that if my peers have had to deal with half of what I went through in the first few years - the burglaries, arson, vandalism, theft, rental arrears and above all the isolation - I doubt they would have emerged any better; and their nervous system isn't compromised as mine is. Or maybe they would have because of their intact neurology and family support.

I've had 10 years of "spiritual growth" and believe you me, I would trade all of it for 10 years of blissful spiritual stagnation but  also relative peace and security.

If I had stayed in London, bought just the one house down there (as many advised me to do) not only would my financial situation be dramatically improved but I might actually have seen my friends more than once or twice a year. I could have been around to support my mother when she was struggling to look after her own mother.

Above all, I could've had a life.

And who's to say that during this alternative 10 year period I might not have had the "spiritual growth" I seemed destined to experience?

I have no-one to blame but myself, I am well aware of this: I could have bailed out at any time (again, as advised/requested by some of my friends); but my sheer bloody-minded determination "not be beaten" kept me on this path to self-harm.

And you know what makes it worse? I don't seem to have learned a hell of a lot from my experience as I still seem to be plodding doggedly down the same path.
What a fucking waste of 10 years.